Missing iPhone chargers, no phone calls, double-booked meetings — all of these annoyances are more common than Mercury retrograde, which begins its latest pot-stirring cycle today , May 10, and will last until June 2. And while we still can. Just hide under our heavy blankets until it’s gone, there are still a few things we can do to get through it. First, it’s important to understand what cosmic shift means for astro-bent peeps and Carl Sagan stans alike (I’ll die for both; fight me).
“Let’s get rid of this first: Mercury is never‘ in ’retrograde,” explains VICE astrologer Annabel Gatt. “This mistake comes a lot – for example, this confusing video about Mercury retrograde starring Taylor Swift.” What really happened was that Mercury, the planet of communication, see to travel backwards across the sky, and that is exactly the optical illusion that astrologers say can get us lost; it’s the cosmic equivalent of waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like you’ve fallen asleep over and over again. Fun thing.
Luckily, Mercury retrograde only happens three to four times a year (if in doubt, does Mercury In Retrograde? Give you a simple “yes” or “no” answer). This retrograde period of spring occurs during the Taurus season, which is a great opportunity to tap grounding energy into the ground like a mechanical-bull-riding boss. And you know what? You can completely complete this retrograde period. Use the order inversion to see things in a new light, or as a reminder to press that order button on the new USB-C charger. Retrograding Mercury has long felt like the Boogeyman of astrology, if only as a reminder to pump up the rest, and bring a little self-care into our routines.
Whether you’re just dabbling in astrology, or you’ve already memorized every member of Steely Dan’s birth chart, here are some simple preparations and tools to help you get through Mercury retrograde, from gemstone baths to tech hacks and so on.
We’ve put together an entire cheat sheet on what things Amazon should have for real value, from cheap massage guns to tech accessories that can make your life easier. This set of not one, but two portable chargers by Miady is one of the mega-retailer’s most renowned with over 63,000 reviews and an average 4.6-star rating. “Both colors look great,” wrote one reviewer, “and I can charge my phone until [three] periods from [a] dead or critical battery. ” Since Mercury retrograde is an era of technological kerfuffle, having a pair of these bad guys (put one in your briefcase; another in your Dior saddle bag) will keep you juicy and ready to stay. in town from 9 a.m. until the witch. time.
$21.99 on Amazon
Proof that an alarm clock is relaxing
Nothing can stop us from waking up to the lords of the night like Mercury retrograde. This time will make us toss, turn, and marvel, Do we send time -sensitive email? What would life be different if we were elected secretary of the student body in the fifth grade? Bad fuel. Close that train by laying the foundation for a better sleep routine with the help of Loftie, the world’s smartest alarm clock. We break down exactly what makes the hybrid alarm / noise machine / ASMR-storytelling device so special in this review — but suffice it to say that sleeping and waking up with Loftie is like having your own Hayao Miyazaki-level soundscape every morning. After months of use, I can truly say that I will never go back to your old iPhone alarm; I prefer to get up with the gentle orchestra to sing in the Loftie bowl and feel as if I am slowly being silenced by a troop of monks living on the mountain.
An almost-sentient vibrator
Times of stress call for serious de-stress measures, and masturbate is one of Mama Nature’s coolest tricks for relaxation. We’ve done a real index of every type of sex toy, ever, from rabbit vibrators to Wartenberg pinwheels, but even with some of the most beautiful and sophisticated toys, the Satisfyer Pro II stands out. in its own league. It has more than 51,000 enthusiastic reviews on Amazon, with users praising the vibrator’s ability to recreate the sensation of receiving head bangin ’oral sex as it sends pulse, pleasurable waves to of the clitoris with its suction component. “You put this bad kid in position and it stays,” wrote one reviewer. “You can watch your porn, eat a snack, browse Netflix, knit a sweater, whatever you want […] By the time you hit [the] number three [vibration level], your soul will separate from your body like a Doctor Strange move. ” A real ride-or-die sex toy that really knows what it’s doing — even in retrograde times, if we don’t.
$39.95 on Amazon
This camera hack makes us even hotter at Zoom
“Clip this thing to your webcam, and all of a sudden you’ll know you’ve been fed the fugliest version of yourself — and it doesn’t have to be that way,” Hilary Pollack wrote in her VICE review of Xenvo’s Pro Lens Kit, which can be attached to everything from your computer to your smartphone and make us look (and feel) more united in this cosmic moment. “Get a clip-on, wide-angle lens for amateur photography, and bring it to your computer,” he explains. “The super wide angle actually makes you look farther away from your computer, making most of the bumps/shadows/threats of a double chin magic disappear.” Let’s take both.
$44.99 on Amazon
Withdraw from technology
As important as it is to make sure you have all the technological support possible during Mercury’s retrograde, you can also see this astral time as a reminder to step away from your screen and enjoy the good ones. entertainment from pre -internet times, such as painting white. picket fences and make puzzles. Just as we want to overcome this 500 piece gradient puzzle by Bryce Wilner, we can be more gentle (and realistic) with ourselves this time, and allow ourselves to fly over a humble, beautiful beer or burger puzzle instead.
$15 on Areaware
Take a gemstone bubble bath
Natureofthings feels like it was created by ascetic, intelligent witches who just dressed up as Rick Owens and likely baptized the Olsen twins. Every modern wellness house product is rooted in the brand’s unique approach to herbal alchemy, and its Restorative Floral Bath is one of its most memorable creations. The first notes we got were a subtle blend of vetiver, jasmine, and plumeria; then, we began to feel the invigorating effect of green tea, mineral-charged seawater, and capiscum pepper — a buttery, relaxing, tingling feeling. But the cherry on top is the inclusion of malachite and quartz extracts, which some people believe have energy -cleansing properties. We never thought we’d say it, but it’s Bentley’s esoteric bubble baths.
Nature of things
$85 on Bluemercury
Release the tension in your head
While you’re in the bathroom, why not take a few extra steps to help release some stress from your noggin in this time of cosmic struggle? We’re not doctors (we just got our fake diploma from clown school), but there’s something soo comfort about a classic scalp massager; it’s like having the claw of a gentle griffin remove your worries, no questions asked. We are big fans of masseur of Latinx-owned brand Ceremonia, because its points are so strong that we can feel them through our thick ass hair, but soft enough to be applied to a sensitive scalp.
$16 on CEREMONIES
The HEETA scalp massager is still a great option, and a best -selling item on Amazon with customers leaving such blush -worthy notes like, “Holy heckin heck fire this thing is amazing!” And with over 114,000 reviews (bananas, even on Amazon), you know the 4.6-star average rating isn’t false.
$7.98 on Amazon
“This sh*t makes me mello AF”
We’ve talked a lot about prioritizing peaceful energy during Mercury’s retrograde, but it can also be an exciting time to dive into your subconscious through lucid dreaming. Everything is different, of course, but this Herbal Dream Tea by Brooklyn apothecary Anima Mundi has a reputation among our friends as a wild nighty-night ride, as it includes ingredients like ashwagandha, skullcap, blue lotus, etc. — all of which have historically been considered aids for vivid dreaming. “This sh * t makes me mello AF,” wrote one Amazon product reviewer. “I was also given crazy dreams. I dug it up. ”
$44.99 on Amazon
Get yourself a personal astrologer
2022 already, hey. Personal astrologers are not just for celebrities, monarchs, and Ronald Reagan. In fact, Cancer’s emotional writing features a personal astrologer named Johann, courtesy of the Hint astrology app, who will connect you with your own astrologer to guide you through your relationships, work problems , financial problems, and whatever else you know. I want to talk about your cosmic blueprint.
Learn more about the Hint app here.
Let’s meet on the other side of Mercury retrograde.
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